From the Writings of Benjamin Franklin in the Pennsylvania Gazette

A Sea Monster

From Bermuda, they write, that a Sea Monster has been lately seen there, the upper part of whose Body was in the Shape and about the Bigness of a Boy of 12 Years old, with long black Hair; the lower Part resembled a Fish. He was first seen on shore, and taking to the Water, was pursu'd by People in a Boat, who intended to strike him with a Fishgig; but approaching him, the human Likeness surpris'd them into Compassion, and they had not the Power to do it.

The Pennsylvania Gazette, April 29, 1736

The Art of Saying Little in Much

Amplification, or the Art of saying Little in Much, seems to be principally studied by the Gentlemen Retainers to the Law. 'Tis highly useful when they are to speak at the Bar; for by its Help, they talk a great while, and appear to say a great deal, when they have really very little to say. But 'tis principally us'd in Deeds and every thing they write. You must abridge their Performances to understand them; and when you find how little there is in a Writing of vast Bulk, you will be as much surpriz'd as a Stranger at the Opening of a Pumpkin.

It is said, that in the Reign of William the Conqueror, the Conveyance of a large Estate, might be made in about half a dozen short Lines; which was nevertheless in every Respect sufficiently authentick. For several Hundred Years past, Conveyances and Writings in the Law have been continually encreasing in Bulk, and when they will come to their full Growth, no Man knows: For the Rule, That every thing past and present ought to be express'd, and every thing future provided for, (tho' one would think a large Writing might be made by it) does not serve to confine us at present; since all those things are not only to be express'd, but may (by the Modern License) be express'd by all the different Words we can think of. Probably the Invention of Printing, which took from the Scribes great Part of their former Employment, put them on the Contrivance of making up by a Multitude of Words, what they wanted in real Business; hence the plain and strong Expression, shall be his own, is now swoln into, shall and may at all Times hereafter forever, and so from time to time, freely, quietly and peaceably, have, hold and enjoy, &c. The Lawyer, in one of Steele's Comedies, instructs his Pupil, that Tautology is the first, second, and third Parts of his Profession, that is to say, the whole of it: And adds, That he hopes to see the Time, when it will require as much Parchment to convey a Piece of Land as will cover it. That time perhaps is not far off: For I am told, that the Deeds belonging to the Title of some small Lotts, (which have gone thro' several Hands) are nearly sufficient for the Purpose.

But of all the Writings I have ever seen, for the Multiplicity, Variety, Particularity, and prodigious Flow of Expression, none come up to the Petition of Dermond O Folivey, an Attorney of the Kingdom of Ireland: As the Petition is curious in itself, and may serve as a Precedent for young Clerks, when they would acquire a proper Stile in their Performances, I shall give it to the Publick entire, as follows.

To the Right Honourable Sir William Asten, Knight, and
Lord Judge of Assize of the Munster Circuit.
The humble Petition of Dermond O Folivey a well
and most accomplished Gentleman.

`Most humbly, and most submissively, and most obediently, and most dutifully, by shewing, and expressing, and declaring to your Lordship, that whereby, and whereas, and wherein, the most major, and most greater, and most bigger, and the most stronger Part of the most best, and the most ablest, and the most mightiest Sort of the People of the Barony of Torrough and County of Kerry, finding, and knowing, and certifying themselves, both hereafter, and the Time past, and now, and then, and at the present time, to be very much oppressed, and distressed, and overcharged in all Taxes, and Quit-rents, and other Levies, and accidental Applotments, and Collections, and Gatherings-together in the Barony of Torrough and County of Kerry aforesaid, And for the future Prevention of all, and every such, henceforth, hereafter, heretofore, and for the time to come, and now, and then, and at this time, and forever, the aforesaid most major, and most bigger, and most better, and most stronger Part of the most best, and most ablest, and most mightiest Sort of the People of Torrough and County of Kerry aforesaid, HATH appointed, nominated, constituted, ordained, declared, elected, and made me Mr. Dermond O Folivey to solicite, and make mention to your Lordship, looking upon me now, and then, and there, and here, the said Mr. Dermond O Folivey, to be the fittest, the most mightiest, and the most ablest, and the most best, and the most accomplished, and the most eloquentest Spokesman within the said Barony and County, their granded, and well beloved, and well bestowed, and better merited Agent and Sollicitor, to represent Oppression, and Suppression, and Extortion, for all such, and for all much, and whereof, and whereby, and whereupon, your Petitioner fairly, and finely, and honestly, and ingeniously, and deservedly appointed, nominated, constituted, and ordained, and elected, and approved, and made choice of me the said Mr. Dermond O Folivey as an Agent and Sollicitor, to undergo, and overgo, and under-run, and over-run, and manage this much, big, and mighty Service.

`These are therefore to will, and to shall be, now, and then, and there, and at this time, and at the time past, and heretofore, and formerly, and at the present, and forever, the humble, and special, and important, and mighty, and irrefatigable Request of me, your Petitioner and Sollicitor-General aforesaid; THAT your Lordship will be pleased, and satisfied, and resolved, to grant, and give, and deliver, and bestow, upon me Mr. Dermond O Folivey, your before recited, and nominated Petitioner and Sollicitor-General aforesaid, an Order and Judgment, and Warrant, and Authority of Preference to my Lord Kerry, and Mr. Henry Punceby, Esq; and Justice of the Peace and Quorum, or to any four or five or more or less, or either or neither of them, now, and then, and there, and here, and any where, and every where, and somewhere, and no-where, to call and bring, and fetch, and carry, before him, or them, or either of them, or neither, or both, such Party or Parties as they shall imagine, and conceive, and consider, and suppose, and assent, and esteem, and think fit, and meet, and necessary, and decent, and convenient, all, and every, and either, or neither of them, to call, to examine, and call to a strict Account; and that Part, and most Part, Extortion; and then, and there, when, and where, and whether, to establish, and elect, and direct, and impower, and authorize all such, and all much, Bailiffs, and under Receivers, and Collectors and Gatherers-together of Money, as your Petitioner did, or do, or have, or had, or shall, or will, or may, or might, or should, or could, or ought to chuse, or pitch upon with, and punctually to desire my self Mr. Dermond O Folivey that they, them, and these, and every, and either, and neither of them, that shall, and did, and have, and do, and will him in Peace, and Unity, and Amity, and Concord, and Tranquility, henceforth, and for the time to come, and hereafter, and for the time past, and not past, and the time present, and now, and for everlasting; and especially not to molest, or trouble, or hinder, or disturb, or hurt, or meddle with the Petitioner, my self, Mr. Dermond O Folivey, in his Possession of 72 Acres of Land in Gertogolinmore in the Barony of Torrough and County of Kerry.'

Mr. Dermond O Folivey.

Given, and granted, and dated, and signed, and sealed by my own Hand and with my own Hand, and for my own Hand, and under my own Hand and Seal this -- Day of -- Anno Dom.

The Pennsylvania Gazette, June 17, 1736

The Drinker's Dictionary

Nothing more like a Fool than a drunken Man.
Poor Richard.

'Tis an old Remark, that Vice always endeavours to assume the Appearance of Virtue: Thus Covetousness calls itself Prudence; Prodigality would be thought Generosity; and so of others. This perhaps arises hence, that Mankind naturally and universally approve Virtue in their Hearts, and detest Vice; and therefore, whenever thro' Temptation they fall into a Practice of the latter, they would if possible conceal it from themselves as well as others, under some other Name than that which properly belongs to it.

But DRUNKENNESS is a very unfortunate Vice in this respect. It bears no kind of Similitude with any sort of Virtue, from which it might possibly borrow a Name; and is therefore reduc'd to the wretched Necessity of being express'd by distant round-about Phrases, and of perpetually varying those Phrases, as often as they come to be well understood to signify plainly that A MAN IS DRUNK.

Tho' every one may possibly recollect a Dozen at least of the Expressions us'd on this Occasion, yet I think no one who has not much frequented Taverns would imagine the number of them so great as it really is. It may therefore surprize as well as divert the sober Reader, to have the Sight of a new Piece, lately communicated to me, entitled

The DRINKERS DICTIONARY.

A
He is Addled,
He's casting up his Accounts,
He's Afflicted,
He's in his Airs.

B
He's Biggy,
Bewitch'd,
Block and Block,
Boozy,
Bowz'd,
Been at Barbadoes,
Piss'd in the Brook,
Drunk as a Wheel-Barrow,
Burdock'd,
Buskey,
Buzzey,
Has Stole a Manchet out of the Brewer's Basket,
His Head is full of Bees,
Has been in the Bibbing Plot,
Has drank more than he has bled,
He's Bungey,
As Drunk as a Beggar,
He sees the Bears,
He's kiss'd black Betty,
He's had a Thump over the Head with Sampson's Jawbone,
He's Bridgey.

C
He's Cat,
Cagrin'd,
Capable,
Cramp'd,
Cherubimical,
Cherry Merry,
Wamble Crop'd,
Crack'd,
Concern'd,
Half Way to Concord,
Has taken a Chirriping-Glass,
Got Corns in his Head,
A Cup to much,
Coguy,
Copey,
He's heat his Copper,
He's Crocus,
Catch'd,
He cuts his Capers,
He's been in the Cellar,
He's in his Cups,
Non Compos,
Cock'd,
Curv'd,
Cut,
Chipper,
Chickery,
Loaded his Cart,
He's been too free with the Creature,
Sir Richard has taken off his Considering Cap,
He's Chap-fallen,

D
He's Disguiz'd,
He's got a Dish,
Kill'd his Dog,
Took his Drops,
It is a Dark Day with him,
He's a Dead Man,
Has Dipp'd his Bill,
He's Dagg'd,
He's seen the Devil,

E
He's Prince Eugene,
Enter'd,
Wet both Eyes,
Cock Ey'd,
Got the Pole Evil,
Got a brass Eye,
Made an Example,
He's Eat a Toad & half for Breakfast.
In his Element,

F
He's Fishey,
Fox'd,
Fuddled,
Sore Footed,
Frozen,
Well in for't,
Owes no Man a Farthing,
Fears no Man,
Crump Footed,
Been to France,
Flush'd,
Froze his Mouth,
Fetter'd,
Been to a Funeral,
His Flag is out,
Fuzl'd,
Spoke with his Friend,
Been at an Indian Feast.

G
He's Glad,
Groatable,
Gold-headed,
Glaiz'd,
Generous,
Booz'd the Gage,
As Dizzy as a Goose,
Been before George,
Got the Gout,
Had a Kick in the Guts,
Been with Sir John Goa,
Been at Geneva,
Globular,
Got the Glanders.

H
Half and Half,
Hardy,
Top Heavy,
Got by the Head,
Hiddey,
Got on his little Hat,
Hammerish,
Loose in the Hilts,
Knows not the way Home,
Got the Hornson,
Haunted with Evil Spirits,
Has Taken Hippocrates grand Elixir,

I
He's Intoxicated,
Jolly,
Jagg'd,
Jambled,
Going to Jerusalem,
Jocular,
Been to Jerico,
Juicy.

K
He's a King,
Clips the King's English,
Seen the French King,
The King is his Cousin,
Got Kib'd Heels,
Knapt,
Het his Kettle.

L
He's in Liquor,
Lordly,
He makes Indentures with his Leggs,
Well to Live,
Light,
Lappy,
Limber,

M
He sees two Moons,
Merry,
Middling,
Moon-Ey'd,
Muddled,
Seen a Flock of Moons,
Maudlin,
Mountous,
Muddy,
Rais'd his Monuments,
Mellow,

N
He's eat the Cocoa Nut,
Nimptopsical,
Got the Night Mare,

O
He's Oil'd,
Eat Opium,
Smelt of an Onion,
Oxycrocium,
Overset,

P
He drank till he gave up his Half-Penny,
Pidgeon Ey'd,
Pungey,
Priddy,
As good conditioned as a Puppy,
Has scalt his Head Pan,
Been among the Philistines,
In his Prosperity,
He's been among the Philippians,
He's contending with Pharaoh,
Wasted his Paunch,
He's Polite,
Eat a Pudding Bagg,

Q
He's Quarrelsome,

R
He's Rocky,
Raddled,
Rich,
Religious,
Lost his Rudder,
Ragged,
Rais'd,
Been too free with Sir Richard,
Like a Rat in Trouble.

S
He's Stitch'd,
Seafaring,
In the Sudds,
Strong,
Been in the Sun,
As Drunk as David's Sow,
Swampt,
His Skin is full,
He's Steady,
He's Stiff,
He's burnt his Shoulder,
He's got his Top Gallant Sails out,
Seen the yellow Star,
As Stiff as a Ring-bolt,
Half Seas over,
His Shoe pinches him,
Staggerish,
It is Star-light with him,
He carries too much Sail,
Stew'd
Stubb'd,
Soak'd,
Soft,
Been too free with Sir John Strawberry,
He's right before the Wind with all his Studding Sails out,
Has Sold his Senses.

T
He's Top'd,
Tongue-ty'd,
Tann'd,
Tipium Grove,
Double Tongu'd,
Topsy Turvey,
Tipsey,
Has Swallow'd a Tavern Token,
He's Thaw'd,
He's in a Trance,
He's Trammel'd,

V
He makes Virginia Fence,
Valiant,
Got the Indian Vapours,

W
The Malt is above the Water,
He's Wise,
He's Wet,
He's been to the Salt Water,
He's Water-soaken,
He's very Weary,
Out of the Way.

The Phrases in this Dictionary are not (like most of our Terms of Art) borrow'd from Foreign Languages, neither are they collected from the Writings of the Learned in our own, but gather'd wholly from the modern Tavern-Conversation of Tiplers. I do not doubt but that there are many more in use; and I was even tempted to add a new one my self under the Letter B, to wit, Brutify'd: But upon Consideration, I fear'd being guilty of Injustice to the Brute Creation, if I represented Drunkenness as a beastly Vice, since, 'tis well-known, that the Brutes are in general a very sober sort of People.

The Pennsylvania Gazette, January 13, 1736/7

Captain Farra

The same Day arrived Capt.Farra, who has long been given over for lost. In his Voyage from Jamaica hither, he was cast away in Palachee Bay within Cape Florida, among the Cannibal Indians, who were extreamly kind and assisted in saving the Cargo, Rigging, &c.;And News of the Wreck coming to Augustine, the Spaniards sent Periagua's and other small Vessels round to take in what was sav'd, and bring it to that Port; where Capt. Farra hir'd a Rhode-Island Sloop to bring it hither. Had this English Vessel been forc'd ashore on the civil, polite, hospitable, christian, protestant Coast of Great-Britain, Query, Might they have expected kinder Treatment from their own Countrymen?

The Pennsylvania Gazette, June 2, 1737

Upon the Talents Requisite in an Almanack-Writer

To the Author of the Pennsylvania Gazette.

SIR,

As I am a great Lover of all Works of Ingenuity, and the Authors of them, so more especially am I a great Reader and Admirer of those Labours of the Learned, called ALMANACKS.

As I am a considerable Proficient in this Sort of Learning; and as at this time of the Year, Copies of Almanacks for the next Year usually come to the Press, long before they are wanted: And as I have laid out many a Six-pence among your Customers, the Profit whereof has in a great Measure redounded to you: So I may reasonably hope to be look'd on as a good Customer, and claim a favourable Place in your Paper.

I have a large Volume in Manuscript by me, on the Important Subject of Almanack-making, which I may in time communicate to the Publick; but at present I am willing to oblige them, with only a Taste of my Skill, which (if I have any Title to the Art of Prognostication) will certainly make them long for the whole.

My present Design, is to give to you and the Publick, a short Essay, upon the Talents requisite in an Almanack-Writer, by which it will plainly appear, how much the Community is indebted to Men of such great and uncommon Parts and Sagacity.

An Almanack-Writer, Sir, should be born one like a Poet; for as I read among the Works of the learned, Poeta nascitur non fit; so it is a Maxim with me, that Almanackorum scriptor nascitur not fit. Gifts of Nature, Sir, compleated by Rules of Art, are indispensably Necessary to make a great Man this way, as well as any other.

The first Thing requisite in an Almanack-Writer, is, That he should be descended of a great Family, and bear a Coat of Arms, this gives Lustre and Authority to what a Man writes, and makes the common People to believe, that certainly this is a great Man. I have known Almanack-Writers so curious and exact in this particular, that they have been at the Expence and Charge of a Wooden Cut in the Frontispiece, with their Arms emblazon'd, and surrounded with a Label, expressing the Name of the Family. This, Sir, made a great Impression, I confess, upon myself and others, and made those Works to go off well.

If the Author who was born to be an Almanack-maker, has the Misfortune to be meanly descended, but yet, has a true Genius; if he has by him, or can borrow a Book, entitul'd the Peerage of England, he may safely borrow a Coat, (if there happens to be a Peer of his own Name) by reason, we are so great a Way distant from the Earl Marshal of that Part of Great-Britain call'd England.

The next Talent requisite in the forming of a compleat Almanack-Writer, is a Sort of Gravity, which keeps a due medium between Dulness and Nonsence, and yet has a Mixture of both. Now you know, Sir, that grave Men are taken by the common People always for wise Men. Gravity is just as good a Picture of Wisdom, as Pertness is of Wit, and therefore very taking. And to compleat an Almanack-maker, in this particular, he shou'd write Sentences, and throw out Hints, that neither himself, nor any Body else can understand or know the Meaning of. And this is also a necessary Talent. I will give you some Instances of this Way of Writing, which are almost inimitable, such as these, Leeds, Jan. 23. 1736. Beware, the Design is suspected. Feb. 23. The World is bad with somebody. Mar. 27. Crimes not remitted. April 10. Cully Mully puff appears. May 21 The Sword of Satan is drawn. June 7. The Cat eat the Candle. Now, Sir, Why should the Sword of Satan be drawn to kill the Cat on the 21st Day of May, when it plainly appears in Print, that the Cat did not eat the Candle till the 7th of June following? This Question no Man but an Astrologer can possibly answer.

In the next Place, I lay it down as a certain Maxim or Position, that an Almanack-Writer shou'd not be a finish'd Poet, but a Piece of one, and qualify'd to write, what we vulgarly call Doggerel; and that his Poetry shou'd bear a near Resemblance to his Prose. I must beg Horace's and my Lord Roscommon's Pardon, if I dissent from them in this one particular. I will give you their Rule in my Lord's English Translation, and save myself the Trouble of transcribing the Latin of Horace.

But no Authority of Gods nor Men
Allow of any Mean in Poesy."

This might for all I know be a Rule for Poetry among the Ancients, but the Moderns have found it troublesome, and the most of them, have wholly neglected it for that Reason. Witness the Authors Verses, whose Praise I am now celebrating, December 1736.

Now is my 12 Months Task come to conclusion,
Lord free us from Hatred, Envy and Confusion.
All are not pleas'd, nor never will i'th' main.
Fewds and Discords among us will remain.
Be that as 'twill, however I'm glad to see,
Envy disappointed both at Land and Sea.

I do not pretend to say, that this is like the Poetry of Horace, or Lord Roscommon, but it is the Poesy of an Astrologer; it is his own and not borrowed; It is occult and mysterious. It has a due Degree of that Sort of Gravity, which I have mentioned: In short, it is form'd upon the Rules which I have laid down in this short Essay.

I could further prove to you, if I was to go about it, That an Almanack-Writer ought not only to be a Piece of a Wit, but a very Wag; and that he shou'd have the Art also to make People believe, that he is almost a Conjurer, &c. But these Things I reserve for my greater Work, and in the mean time, until that appears, I desire to remain,

Sir,
Sept. 27. 1737. Your very humble Servant,
PHILOMATH.

The Pennsylvania Gazette, October 20, 1737