Almost nobody is qualified to select a spouse until they’ve already been married for many years. If that’s so (and it is) then how would anyone ever find a spouse? They wouldn’t. At least not for themselves. God found a wife for Adam, and parents have been finding spouses for their children ever since. Until recent centuries in Western cultures.
No mere human society will ever be perfect, but I suspect we’ve thrown out some pretty healthy babies.
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I’m confused… Are you advocating that we allow our parents to choose our spouses? Marriage is tough. Very tough. It’s all about give and take. I might suggest that the reason so many pre arranged marriages have worked in other cultures, is because divorce/seperation/killing off you sgnificant other is very frowned upon in those cultures. In our culture Divorce is now common place. People prefer the easy way out. hey don’t want to work towards a healthy marriage. They expect a healthy marriage to just show up at their doorstep. I believe our practice of selecting our own spouse is a good practice, but our culture does not understand the concept of delayed gratification, or working for something good.
Thanks for your comments, Tim!
I think you’re absolutely right on the problems you pointed out. People talk way too much about feelings. If they don’t feel like they’re in love anymore, they think it’s time to move on. That’s like shutting off two-thirds of their humanity in favor of the animal one-third.
However, I think our practice of choosing our own spouses tends to encourage that mindset. Most of us are young when we get married, and our hormones and emotions are running strong. We are ruled and fueled by passions. That’s not entirely a bad thing, but it needs to be tempered by the wisdom and self-control of age. Choosing a spouse should be a permanent decision, and shouldn’t be left to the whims of hormones.
I’m not saying that parents should choose their children’s spouses for them autocratically, but neither should children choose their own spouses capriciously. There ought to be a middle ground somewhere, maybe something like Isaac telling Jacob to choose his own bride, but to choose from a very limited set of all the women available. Unlike Esau, who chose his own bride(s) on his own terms without input from his parents.
Here’s a comprimise; How about we return to the practice of seeking the parents blessing before the engagement? That was an honorable practice that seems to have fallen wayside. Now we are letting the youngins’ make their own choice, but allowing the parents to be involved in the proccess. I know I want the future suiters of my three daughters to seek my blessing.
What should they do if you refuse?
In my limited knowledge of past cultures… didn’t they ever refuse to marry the man/woman their parents had picked for them? You can’t FORCE anyone to do ANYTHING. right?
Sure they did, and very often they were successful. You can force one person to marry another, especially if the first person is a woman, but I think that’s even worse than just allowing children to marry whomever they want. The tradition of asking for a parent’s blessing before marrying is a great one, but it hasn’t had much force behind it in a very long time. Part of the problem is that people don’t have the necessary respect for either their parents or tradition. Another part of the problem is that parents don’t have the necessary respect for themselves or tradition. I don’t think there’s a quick and easy solution, but here are a couple of things that will help:
1. Teach your children patriarchal values and strong traditions.
2. Maintain those values in your own life, despite what the world thinks of you.
3. Make sure that your children see you exercising those values and make sure they know that’s what you’re doing.
4. ?
5. ?
Mark the whole issue up to the continuing moral decay in our country I guess. I’m actually reading a book right now called Interviewing Your Daughters Date that I would strongly recommend to anyone with little girls.
Good stuff here Jay. I’ll keep checking back.