From Diary of the American Revolution, Vol II. Compiled by Frank Moore and published in 1859.
The Tories, reduced to their last shift for agreeable news to strengthen the drooping spirits of their fellows, are now resorting to their imaginations. The following is their last flight of fancy:
Beelzebub R.—Whereas it is necessary to the extension, support, and population of our infernal kingdom, that all and every species of its commerce, arts, sciences, and principles, should prevail, flourish, and have a free and uninterrupted reception upon earth. And, whereas we and our council have received certain and undoubted information, as well through the laudable and zealous communications of our own agents employed for the purpose, as by the personal appearance and testimony before our throne of many thousand persons, who lately belonged and professed allegiance to the newly erected States of North America, framed by our suggestion and by the help of our agents aforesaid, that there is at present in the said States the most happy disposition for the full and perfect admission and entertainment of all our famous arts, sciences, principles, and commerce; and that our loving friends and hearty allies, their leaders and present governors, do give their most ready assistance and furtherance to that end and purpose. We therefore, in order to promote all measures which may tend to establish the dignity of our crown, the power and influence of our realm of darkness, and the greater population of our vast territories by more rapid migrations from the regions of the earth, do hereby proclaim, and engage to bestow, the following rewards and bounties for the encouragement of such persons, professing subjection to our cordial and undoubted allies the States aforesaid, as by their assiduity and labor in our service, or affection to our principles and interests, may be found to deserve them, viz.:
For the most plausible pretence of loyalty to a sovereign, penned with the fullest design to deceive him, and pervert others from their loyalty—A flaming ribband of the order of Machiavel, with the grant of two hundred thousand acres of the most fertile soil yet unlocated, and nearest to our loyal city of Pandemonium.
For the most hollow professions of attachment to a constitution, which can best answer the purpose of subverting it— Ditto.
For the most sophistical arguments to prove the right of subjects to forswear themselves, to take contrary oaths pro renata, and to assert their liberty of destroying those who differ from them in the notion of liberty—The privilege of the next seat in our council to our well-beloved cousin and counsellor Belial, with one hundred thousand acres in the warmest regions of Tartarus.
For the most virulent perversion of truth and reason, which can support any of our beloved factions—A post of employment near our person, and our most burning attachment and regard.
To every person professing to preach the gospel of Christ, our most dangerous enemy, who shall subvert its pernicious intention of promoting peace, order, and subjection among men, and shall, instead thereof, promote our cause and service by inculcating sedition and discord—A robe of the darkest sables in Erebus, warm apartments in our imperial palace, and a double portion of our increasing favor.
For the most rhetorical panegyric upon any of our faithful friends, subjects of the States, our allies aforesaid, who may happen to be sent down to our kingdom earlier than usual by the British arms—An honorary degree in the infernal academy of Sophists, with a suitable benefit.
For the most perfect specimen of impudence and avarice, cowardice and faction, pride and meanness, connected, which can be produced by any natural or adopted subject of our allies aforesaid—A collar of sounding S S, with a separate, allotment in Tartarus, lest Pandemonium, itself be endangered by the complication.
For the best invention to delude a whole people from their real interests, and destroy them by rebellion—The first post of honor next to our person.
AND in order to display and extend our imperial magnificence in the most ample manner, and to show our most congenial attachment to our allies, the present ruling powers of the States aforesaid, we do further promise and engage, that all and every of their subjects’ or confederates, who shall most strongly inculcate and improve the arts and sciences first invented in our kingdom, and now, of our especial grace, motion, and favor, imported from thence into the said States, so as most exactly and extensively to assimilate and unite their subjects to our subjects now in the realms below, and to render their country in all quietness, freedom, and satisfaction, the most like of any other to our own; so that, in due time, they may become prepared for their final removal to us, by which means our empire may be further strengthened and populated, and the independency of our territories more perfectly established, (in which last measure we hope and expect, above all things, the aid of our dear allies aforesaid;) shall not only hereafter receive every reward proportionate to the merit of their respective services, when they descend to our court and appear in our presence, but shall also obtain, at present, from us and our agents, our most hearty suggestions and recommendations to our dearly beloved and loyal cousins, the congressional representatives of the high and mighty States aforesaid, and to our no less loving and beloved friends the Commander-in-chief, and other right noble and worthy commanders, officers, committee-men, selectmen, and men of all sorts invested with illustrious authority under them, from whose cordial attachment to our interests and views, as well as affinity to our person, we doubt not they will receive the most indulgent attention and advancement.
Given at our court at Pandemonium, in the 5847th year of our reign, and in the year called by mortals l778. By his infernal Majesty’s command—Moloch1
1 Gaine’s Mercury, February 23.